Barefoot in the Park, Maybe?

Since we’ve been sheltering in place, I am learning to go barefoot. No need for shoes if you never leave home, right? Except I’ve always hated going barefoot. I don’t even remember going barefoot as a little kid, except maybe once and the ground was hot and I didn’t like it and wanted my shoes. Not even at home. I always wear my “house shoes” indoors. House shoes are usually a ratty old pair of clogs that I replace every few years, maybe flip- flops if it’s a really hot day and I’m feeling daring.

Current clogs, only a year old so not worn out yet. They put 2″ between me and whatever lurks beneath my feet.

Until this summer. I’ve been wandering around the house with naked feet. Like Paul in Neil Simon’s 1963 play Barefoot in the Park (film version in 1967), I really need to learn to lighten up, be more free, not bow to the conventions of society. Robert Redford originated the role of Paul on Broadway and then went on to star with Jane Fonda in the movie. The plot revolves around newlyweds Paul and Corie. He’s the anxious, practical, worrywort of the duo, she’s the free-spirited optimist. She wants him to lighten up, learn to be easy-going, do things like going barefoot in the park.

I think Paul is unfairly portrayed here. He’s being sensible. Would you go barefoot in Central Park? I can’t even think of all the things that might have happened on the grass there, and I don’t want my bare skin touching anything down on that seething, germy, mat of who knows what. Corie could be in danger with her free-spirited shenanigans.

According to healthline, while there are benefits to going barefoot:

“The most straightforward benefit to barefoot walking is that in theory, walking barefoot more closely restores our ‘natural’ walking pattern, also known as our gait,” explains Dr. Jonathan Kaplan, foot and ankle specialist and orthopedic surgeon with Hoag Orthopaedic Institute.

Other benefits of walking barefoot include:

  • better control of your foot position when it strikes the ground
  • improvements in balance, proprioception, and body awareness, which can help with pain relief
  • better foot mechanics, which can lead to improved mechanics of the hips, knees, and core
  • maintaining appropriate range of motion in your foot and ankle joints as well as adequate strength and stability within your muscles and ligaments
  • relief from improperly fitting shoes, which may cause bunions, hammertoes, or other foot deformities
  • stronger leg muscles, which support the lower back region

All well and good and I want all of these things. But there’s the dark side, and that’s where my mind gets stuck:

Walking barefoot in your house is relatively safe. But when you head outside, you expose yourself to potential risks that could be dangerous.

“Without appropriate strength in the foot, you are at risk of having poor mechanics of walking, thereby increasing your risk for injury,” explains Kaplan.

This is especially important to consider when you’re beginning to incorporate barefoot walking after having spent much of your life in shoes.

He also says that you need to consider the surface being walked on. While it may be more natural to walk or exercise barefoot, without additional padding from shoes, you are susceptible to injury from the terrain (like rough or wet surfaces or issues with temperature, glass, or other sharp objects on the ground).

You also take the chance of exposing your feet to harmful bacteria or infections when you walk barefoot, especially outside.

ESPECIALLY OUTSIDE. There’s the kicker. I’ve lightened up to the point of going barefoot in my own home. I know what goes on on my floors. I have 4 cats and a dog. I won’t pretend I’ve never stepped in anything gross, like a hairball. But I keep the house pretty clean, and the cats aren’t allowed outside so don’t bring anything extra scary. The dog mostly is indoors watching Netflix on the couch.

My bare feet, just this morning.

Grass ( the lawn kind)–sounds perfectly lovely and innocent. Not. There are snails, slugs, ticks, possible dog pee, possible frog poop, weirdo insects and arachnids (like the well-named grass spiders) you don’t want to know about. Have you ever watched The Twilight Zone? Things can work their way into your body and eat you from the inside out. Okay, that’s being a bit melodramatic, but you get my drift.

Would you want to step on the grass funnel-weaver? Credit: © H. Bellmann/F. Hecker
Copyright: © H. Bellmann/F. Hecker – http://www.agefotostock.com

Maybe I have a weird obsession with my feet. If you’ve read this blog before you might have noticed lots of pictures of socks and feet. I do not have a foot fetish, meaning its not a sexual interest. Feet aren’t really cute or alluring. It’s about my feet and where they go. Or don’t go.

I’m not the only one. When David Hockney does it, it’s art and worth lots of money.

David Hockney, Self Portrait, Gerardmer, France, 1975, © David Hockney.
Genevieve Cottraux, Homage to David Hockney, 2017.

Yes, I am actually barefoot outdoors in some of the vignette photos. I was delirious from lack of sleep after a week of living in a cabin in the woods with 14 other people, most of whom I had just met, at a summer residency in Maine. Lack of sleep can make you do things you wouldn’t do otherwise. And I survived.

This summer, I have progressed not only to going barefoot inside, but I even venture out on our back deck. But not a centimeter beyond that deck edge.

My toes are holding on for dear life. Don’t make us go beyond the deck!

We got rid of the lawn years ago. In drought stricken, dry California, it makes no sense to try to have a lawn. It takes way too much work, too much water, possibly chemical intervention. We put in low-maintenance (key words) perennials and mulch instead. Our dogs over the years have probably wished there was a small patch of grass for them. When walking our sweet Sadie (RIP), she would often pull us over to a neighbor’s lawn so she could lie down in the grass. But Sadie also liked to eat goose poop and roll in stinky things and swim in murky waters. So her judgement was suspect.

Sadie, sweetest dog ever, but maybe not the smartest.

Dog paws are made for going barefoot (barepaw?). Dogs look silly in shoes. They have those tough pads and little fear of germs. Absolutely, dogs can easily injure those paws, and please be careful with your dog out in the heat or cold/snow/ice.

These paws were made for walking. Image from Woof Beach.

Cats have lovely, soft paw pads. They need to be able to creep up on prey or on you silently. I’m sure outdoor cats build up tough paws, but the cats in my house have wonderfully sweet feet. My boy Butterscotch is a polydactyl–he has extra toes on all 4 paws. Not only is it adorable, it makes his feet more fun to play with.

Awesome cat feet.

Maybe my anti-barefeet sentiment comes from my mother. I don’t remember her going barefoot. Her feet were extremely ticklish, and we used to torment her when we were kids grabbing and tickling her feet. In self-defense, she probably kept those feet covered.

Is challenging myself to go barefoot really good for my self-growth and awareness? I doubt it. When Paul does it in Barefoot in the Park, he gets sick. (See, going barefoot in Central Park is hazardous to your health.) And he was really drunk when he did it. So maybe not a good role model.

He ends up with a cold, a hangover, disgustingly dirty feet, garbage on his head, a ruined suit and lost coat, and his marriage is falling apart. (Spoiler alert: all ends happily.) How is this good for you?

But I’ll continue to challenge myself to open my horizons. Baby steps–first of the deck into my own yard. Briefly. If I make it, then I’ll up the ante.

There’s bird poop in this ground cover, I am sure of it.

Do I feel more self-realized now? Not really. A lot of things I’ve been told over the years would be good for me didn’t make me feel any better. Mom, liver and onions? Really? How was that supposed to be good for me? (I refused to eat that dish and Mom didn’t push it, to give her credit. Maybe she could see the impending plant-based diet switch in my young eyes.)

I’ve made a point to work on overcoming phobias. And this is an actual phobia–it’s called podophobia. I won’t pretend mine is that severe. I am perfectly willing to be barefoot in bed, or in the shower. My own shower. Other showers may require shower shoes.

According to Very Well Mind, approximately 7.1% of Americans experience social phobias, and almost 10% specific phobias. A person can suffer from more than one kind of specific phobia. I suffer from social anxiety, plus fear of water (aquaphobia), podophobia, telephonophobia, and coulrophobia (fear of clowns).

If you aren’t afraid of this face, I worry about you.

I also hate crowds, but I wouldn’t necessarily say I have agoraphobia. Needless to say, you won’t find me talking on my phone barefoot in a crowd of clowns at a water park. Unless I am calling 911 to get me out of there. NOW.

Clowns at a water park, image from Montgomery Community Media.

You can find lots of information out there phobias, fears, and overcoming them, like this article on This Way Up. Community service done, now I have to go wash my feet.

Peace and hugs.

And do whatever you have to do to make sure you vote in November. I will go barefoot to the polling station (but with a mask) if I have to. It’s that important.

Magazine Ad For Register Your Discontent, Vote, Barefoot Guy in Voting Booth, Youth Citizenship Fund, 1972

Crafting My Way through Crises

It’s been a long time, friends. I haven’t felt motivated to write in months. Doing nothing is exhausting, draining all energy and leaving me sitting here at home watching time slip away. I’ve been at home, sheltering in place from the coronavirus pandemic, since mid-March. I was able to work from home for a while, but when those opportunities ceased, I resigned from my job rather than risk going back to work. I am incredibly fortunate that I have that flexibilty and I do not take it for granted. It was something Bob and I sat down and thought long and hard about, and I think it was the right decision.

I intitally thought I’d get so much done around this house, organizing and cleaning and whipping everything into shape. Nah. Hasn’t happened. I am glad to know it isn’t just me though. Natalie Morris, writing for Metro in the UK, posted about why lockdown is so tiring. There are physical reasons for it:

Dr Diana Gall, from Doctor 4 U, says it’s normal to notice your energy levels flagging when you’re not doing anything.

She says it can become a bit of a cycle. The less you do, the more tired you feel, so the less you do.

‘When you’re lacking any sort of physical activity, and your body spends most of its time in the same position, whether that be sitting or lying down for long periods of time, its ability to take in oxygen decreases and you will notice a huge drop in energy levels and motivation,’ Dr Diana explains.

‘The reason you feel tired, lethargic and lazy after doing nothing is simply because you’re allowing your body to feel that way as it is tired from the lack of stimulation and movement that it is used to.’

She says that if you aren’t keeping active, less oxygen will be getting to the blood which will increase the feeling of tiredness, which could also leave you feeling sluggish and irritable. Not great if you’re trying to keep the peace with your lockdown buddies.

Foster kitten Storm demonstrates exhaustion.

I was doing things, like making masks for my neighborhood back when it was so hard to find them.

Masks, a must-have accessory.

We are still fostering cats and kittens. I’ve been reading. A lot. But nothing that really requires much getting off of my butt.

Lockdown buddies and sisters, foster kittens Mouse and Minnie.
Books I’ve read during quarantine on the left, Bob on the right. This doesn’t include the many audiobooks I listen to while crafting.

The basic answer: get active, and your energy will increase. The more you move, the better you’ll feel. I tried that. We pulled the trusty old treadmill out from behind the piles of stuff in the garage, and I set myself a goal to walk briskly every day. At first I was going for about 30 minutes, or the length of the show I was then watching on Netflix. (The Chef’s Line is a great cooking competition from Australia; highly recommended.)

Hosts/judges of The Chef’s Line. I love them all!

After I finished the only season of The Chef’s Line available on Netflix, I moved on to The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. What took me so long? I love this show!

If I had realized sooner that it’s from one of my favorite creative teams, Amy Sherman-Palladino and Dan Palladino, I would’ve been on board at the beginning. They are the team behind one of my favorite shows of all time, Gilmore Girls, and the short-lived-but-I-loved-it Bunheads.

I will never get tired of Gilmore Girls. Ever.
I wish more people had watched this charming show.

Another plus to Mrs. Maisel? Tony Shalhoub, star of another one of my all-time favorite shows, Monk.

Mr. Monk, you are my hero.

Tony Shalhoub plays Abe Weissman, Midge Maisel’s quirky and annoying yet lovable father.

Longer shows got me walking more, until I was doing at least 3 miles every day. I even lost 5 pounds (that I had gained earlier in the pandemic, thanks to a combination of being lazy and one of my other pandemic hobbies, cooking.)

And then California went up in flames. Again. If you doubt the reality of climate change, come to California. But bring a mask, not just for the pandemic but because breathing the air here is a bad idea idea right now. You can see, taste, and feel the air; it has texture. That is not a good thing.

That’s smoke; normally we can see out over Oakland.

So we stay indoors, whereas one of the things we did enjoy earlier while sheltering in place was our backyard, playing as novice gardeners and prettying up our little sanctuary space. We put up a little greenhouse, ordered vegetable seeds and starts, and optimistically puttered in our garden.

Grow little plants!

The garden has looked so pretty (until the heat and smoke and drought and…) that we got married out there! Virtual weddings are a thing now.

The altar in the backyard.
Bride and groom!
I even made a vegan wedding cake!

We jumped on the bread baking bandwagon. Thus the 5 pounds. Which I cannot afford. I already have a pretty significant amount to lose without bread weight! But it’s been delicious.

Bob bakes, and grows a Covid beard.

Finally getting to the title (I didn’t forget), Crafting My Way through Crises, I have been spending most of my time drawing, painting, and crafting. Nero might or might not have fiddled while Rome burned, but I am making art until I have to round up the animals to evacuate, if that becomes necessary.

Many organizations and artists have figured out using Zoom and other virtual meeting platforms to hold classes.

Zoom class in progress.
The results.

I subscribed for a while to The Crafter’s Box, and have many kits to work with, trying new things, like wood burning and paper quilling. Some didn’t go as planned, others were delightful surprises.

Basketry project gone awry.
Wood burning. Not too bad for a first try,
Paper quilling, a quiet, meditative craft.
Animals in colored pencil.

I even painted a mural on the storage closet doors out on our back deck.

Artist at work.

A group of dear friends started a collage group, where we send each other kits and post the results on Instagram. A lot of people are doing this; check out #collagein20 if you are interested in seeing more. Start your own group!

One of my collages for #collagein20

Now that I am not working, I have to budget carefully, but due to my acquisitive nature, I have art and craft supplies stockpiled to last me a while. And since exercise requires breathing and the air is chunky, I am back to sitting on my butt, making stuff. Miniature books. Mosaics. Who knows what else I might try!

Mosaic tray I am working on.
Sashiko embroidered pillow I made while watching the Democratic National Convention.
Miniature book.

One of the organization projects on my list has been my room that I don’t know what to call. Studio sounds like bragging. Office makes it sound serious. “My room” sounds like my teenage bedroom from the 1970s. I haven’t done much organizing, but I’ve done a lot of playing!

Here we are nearing the end of August. Our cars are ready if we need to evacuate from the fires. I’m still not sure how evacuation during a pandemic is supposed to work. Hopefully, I won’t find out first hand. In the meantime, I will be here fiddling, I mean crafting, while everything around me burns.

Peace and hugs. Stay safe.

And PLEASE, vote in the November election. Our country, our future, our lives depend on it.

Vote 2020 presidential election buttons; Creator: JasonDoiy | Credit: Getty Images/iStockphoto

Fighting Windmills

I can’t believe it’s been something like 8 months since I’ve posted anything. Lots has been going on, but I’ve been more about making things with my hands than writing about life’s adventures. I am back in a writing mode for a while now, as I started the daily battle called NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) for November.

NaNo poster

So far I am over 10,000 words in to my first draft of the long-threatened “Little Shit” memoir (fictionalized memoir? autobiographical fiction?) that now has the working title Crazy Cat Girl, probably an easier sell than Little Shit.

swing
Crazy Cat Girl (me), 1972

Will I ever finish the book? Do I ever finish anything? All of my impossible dreams, me as Dona (Doña?) Quixote, fighting those windmills.

Don Quixote

Did you know that there was a female Don Quixote? In 1752, Charlotte Lennox published The Female Quixote; or, The Adventures of Arabella. Wow people with that the next time you need dinner party conversation.

Arabella

Charlotte Lennox
Scottish author Charlotte Lennox (1730-1804)

2019 has been my year of being Arabella. I started French lessons at the local adult school. Gave up when it got too hard (aka, I didn’t have time to study). Windmills 1, Arabella 0.

We foster failed again. Gorgeous, shy, sweet polydactyl Butterscotch came to us to recover from a head injury earlier in the year, and has been granted permanent resident status. He and the now grown-up Pugcat are quite the best friends. I don’t know who gets the win; I think Arabella in this case.

Butterscotch
Butterscotch, aka Bubbers, aka Bigfoot

 

I might have gotten over my fear of it hurting and entered the world of tattoos. Pugcat now lives in portrait form on my left arm. (I have yet to get good images of the actual tattoo, mainly because I think my arm looks fat in all of the photos.)

 

Puggy trio
If there was ever a tattoo worthy cat, it’s Pugcat.

 

We didn’t get a summer vacation this year, but I did get to the Thomas Wolfe Society meeting, in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.

 

Gettysburg, a lovely place, was quite the eye-opening experience. As a result, we ended up watching the PBS/Ken Burns documentary The Civil War. I learned so much about this country that I didn’t know. It was very moving, heart-wrenching in all honesty.

 

Burns

 

I also was honored to be selected to attend the Animals and Society Institute’s summer program at the University of Illinois (Urbana-Champaign) Center for Advanced Study. Over 20 animal studies doctoral students and recent PhDs spent a week with incredible mentors, workshopping our projects and making new friends. Including some animal ones, like the goats we visited, or the tarantula who visited us. My first visit to the mid-West, where it was hot and humid and I relearned the joy of lying in the grass under a shady tree.

 

 

The down side was living in the dormitories. Let’s just say, I’m too old and private for dormitory life.

Here is where Arabella comes in. I was so inspired by my week of studies that I rewrote my dissertation proposal, which is essentially the first 3 chapters of the dissertation. I had been through several drafts, none of which got through my committee. I was very excited about the new version, and my committee chair seemed to be, too. But I got shot down again. Pesky windmills, forever winning the battles. After a cooling down period (I do get angry sometimes),  I dropped out of school. Well, I withdrew from Saybrook with the intention of finding  spot at another university to finish my dissertation. I have high hopes for a place at Antioch University next year. So Arabella is still in the fight on this one. Charlotte Lennox did give her two volumes, after all.

arabella 2

 

But what’s really thrown me for a loop this year was the loss of a beloved litter of foster kittens. Mother cat Leah and her babies came to us when the babies were only 2 days old.

 

The kittens all had names starting with L (Liam, Linus, Lily, I forget). We renamed them. I couldn’t keep the L names straight. We named them after writers: Jules (Verne), Toni (Morrison), Willa (Cather), and Ernest (Hemingway).

 

 

Leah was a wonderful mother. The babies grew strong and healthy, keeping us entertained with their antics and enthralled with their daily changes.

 

They seemed well on their way to wonderful lives. And then a giant, evil windmill called panleukopenia virus stepped in and devasted us when the kittens were about 7 weeks old. Kittens are fragile, and their mortality rate is higher than you might think. Our hearts were broken when the decision was made to humanely euthanize the suffering babies. On a brighter note, mother Leah is fine and has been adopted.

 

quartet
Clockwise from upper left: Jules, Toni, Willa, Ernest. Rest in peace, little ones.

 

We grieve. I am just at the point of writing about it, partly because as I do my daily writing for NaNoWriMo, I realize there is so much I am still working through from my life, including grieving for what seemed like the loss of childhood and for my mother, who has been gone for 10 years now.

I had been throwing myself into art projects. One of my favorite places on earth these days is Etui, at 2518 San Pablo Avenue in Berkeley. I would take every single class offered there if I could, and sleep in the shop in between! Plus owners/teachers Alice Armstrong and Bethany Carlson Mann, are 2 of my favorite people!

etui logo

I started a tunnel book project in memory of the 4 kittens. While it can get me emotional, that’s not a bad thing, and I am in a group of incredibly supportive and loving people in the Books, Boxes, and More class. I haven’t completely finished the book, and it’s hard to photograph, but the making of it has been surprisingly healing.

 

 

Some other fun art projects I’ve started and actually finished this year include my first attempt at basketry, wax flower crowns, and crepe paper fruits and flowers (quince fruit box pictured below). I find making things with my hands, whether it’s art, crafts, food, whatever, very therapeutic. Expensive hobbies, but maybe cheaper than therapy? Maybe…

 

But I am not letting the panleukopenia derail our fostering more than necessary. For a while, we can only foster adult cats with vaccinations and healthy immune systems (in case any of the evil panleuk virus lurks in unseen places in the house). Meet Daisy, our 8-year old house guest who needed a break from shelter life!

 

Daisy
Foster-cat-in-residence Daisy.

 

Is there a lesson in all of this? Keep your head up. Keep following your dreams. And if I’ve left you with the Robert Goulet version of the Man of La Mancha song Impossible Dream, which I mainly remember from the Jerry Lewis yearly muscular dystrophy telethons, my sincerest apologies.

 

Believe me, there are endless versions of this song available. But if I am going to make this up to you all, I need to leave you with a truly good one. I love Tom Jones, I used to wish Andy Williams was my dad, Brian Stokes Mitchell won a Tony for his performance, you can never beat Frank Sinatra, I love the idea of a Liberace version, but it’s really hard to find a version that isn’t cheesy, overly dramatic, or just plain icky. I am partial to this rendition by the late Glen Campbell, who I’ve developed a new appreciation for in the last few years.

 

“The Impossible Dream (The Quest)”
(Mitch Leigh, Joe Darion)

To dream the impossible dream,
To fight the unbeatable foe,
To bear with unbearable sorrow,
To run where the brave dare not go.

To right the unrightable wrong,
To love pure and chaste from afar,
To try when your arms are too weary,
To reach the unreachable star.

This is my quest,
To follow that star
No matter how hopeless,
No matter how far.

To fight for the right
Without question or pause,
To be willing to march
Into hell for a heavenly cause.

And I know if I’ll only be true
To this glorious quest
That my heart will be peaceful and calm
When I’m laid to my rest.

And the world will be better for this,
That one man scorned and covered with scars
Still strove with his last ounce of courage.
To fight the unbeatable foe.
To reach the unreachable star.

Get out there, battle those windmills, make the world a better place!
Peace and hugs.

I’ve been meaning to write about procrastination, but…

ecard 2

 

Here’s the thing. I have a lot going on in my life. Sure, we all do. It’s really not an excuse. I imagine all of the things I could get done if there were more hours in the day!

 

To Do

 

But, would I get them done? Or what I just start more things that I never finish while posting lots of pictures of Pugcat on his Instagram? (If you don’t follow Pugcat, you really should. He’s a very clever cat.) Pugcat may be the main reason I haven’t written many blog posts recently.

 

Pugcat
Follow me, humans!

 

Overseeing Pugcat’s social media is just one of the many ways I find to avoid doing the things I probably should be doing.

 

There wasn’t the whole distracting world of social media when I was in graduate school the first time in the late 1980s, so back then my main technique for procrastination was house cleaning. That’s a pretty good one to have if you have any neat freak tendencies. I vacuumed the hell out of my house during that period. I liked to think it was a good time for reflecting on what I would start writing as soon as I was done vacuuming.

 

 

I never solved a murder mystery while vacuuming, but I did eventually write my thesis and get my master’s degree. And my house has never been so clean!

 

ecard 1

 

Procrastination is fine to a point, unless it becomes an endless cycle that leads to never ever actually accomplishing anything. Which is the loop I seem to be stuck in at the moment. I’ve started countless new art projects, am simultaneously reading about 6 books, am about to bake vegan Irish soda bread for Saint Patrick’s Day, and just signed up for French language lessons at the local adult school,  I have not managed to fold the 2 loads of laundry in progress, clear the pile of papers of off my desk, or get the long-suffering dog out for a walk.

 

IMG_0030
More of this, please!

 

And then there’s the not so small matter of my doctoral dissertation, which I am now a semester behind on finishing. You’d think it would be less painful to sit down and work on it than to find ways not to do it, but you’d be wrong.

 

work induced panic I Googled the word procrastinate and found lots of articles on the different types of procrastination and procrastinators. Some keep it to 2 types, but there are also articles that go with up to 8 types, like this from braintrainingtools.org.

 

types of procrastinators

 

There are countless books on procrastination, procrastination types, how to beat the urge toward procrastination, etc. I haven’t gotten around to reading any of them yet. (See what I did there, huh?)

 

6 styles

 

I’m fond of Mary Toolan’s idea that it is creative types who are prone to procrastination.

Screen Shot 2019-03-17 at 2.25.44 PM
That procrastination monster, as she calls it, is so darn cute and just beckons to me.

 

Speaking of creative types, one of my favorite methods of procrastination is procraftination.

Screen Shot 2019-03-17 at 2.30.58 PM
Image from vicki-robinson.com.

 

Until I start procrastinating on finishing any of the craft projects I started while procraftinating…Here are just a few of my unfinished craft projects. 

 

 

And that doesn’t include my fabric stash, my yarn stash and knitting basket, my coloring books, etc. Maybe I should open a crafting studio! But that would take work, which I have shown I am adept at avoiding.

 

procrastination word cloud
Image from Dr. Todd Linaman.

 

I even manage to multi-task procrastinate. If I am in the middle of a really good book (of the 6 that I am juggling), I can manage to justify to myself putting off many things for the sake of finishing the book, or just :getting to good stopping place”. Hey, reading is important and good for psychological hhealth.

 

Multitasking-Procrastinator

 

If I were just a housecat, then it would be completely normal for me to sleep, play, enjoy sun puddles, and generally be non-productive while making those around me happy.

 

Butterscotch
Foster cat Butterscotch has the right idea.

 

In the meantime, I dream of becoming one of those people who finishes things, getting that PhD just in time to retire. Then I can read and craft and nap all I want! Oh wait, I do that anyway.

That gives me an idea. I can start drawing out plans for my ideal retirement house. It would include a craft room, a reading room, a foster cat room…I’d better make some coffee and get started on that! The laundry and the dissertation can wait.

work can wait
Image from redbubble.com.

 

With apologies to my dissertation committee, especially my committe chair, the amazing Kathia Laszlo, for my easily distracted brain. I will get it done, I promise! It’s just that I am the creative type. I can’t help it!

 

 

As always, peace and hugs. 

I fall in love just a little bit

There’s so much going on that is hard to watch, to think about, to write about. The horrific fires raging in California and the loss of an entire town in moments. The continuing and mind-numbing idiocy and meanness spewing from our so-called President. The growth of homeless encampments across the Bay Area. There is so much to despair of in this world.

 

world falling apart
The world seems to be falling apart. (Image from The Odyssey Online.)

 

I feel so sad about Paradise; it’s a town I visited many times in the early 1980s when I lived in Chico. My ex-husband and I looked at houses to rent there. I remember one in particular, very 1960s with knotty pine paneling and cabinets. I still have a set of teaspoons I bought at a yard sale in Paradise.

 

spoons
My Paradise yard sale spoons, bought for $1 in 1983.

 

With the high winds, the smoke and whatever bad stuff is in the smoke are inundating us here with unbreathable air.

 

When-The-World-Is-Falling-Apart-Does-Advertising-Still-Matter-Q1
I feel like this is how I should be prepared to go outside. (Image from Brand Quarterly.)

 

On a personal level, our beloved 20-year old cat Sara passed away last week. She is missed. I feel the lack of her quiet presence. She was with me for a long time, through a lot of ups and downs. Our animal companions leave huge holes behind when they depart.

 

Sara collage.jpg
Sara: July 4, 1998 – November 5, 2018

 

My heart hurts for so many humans and animals right now.

 

its-hurting-again
Image from The Life I Didn’t Choose.

 

It’s my day off from work, and I’ve spent the entire day in pajamas, ensconced on the living room sofa with animals and portable entertainment. I’ve escaped to medieval Norway through my current read, Kristin Lavransdatter (Sigrid Undset, 1920).

 

 

 

I’ve binge watched RuPaul’s Drag Race.

 

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I’ve posted numerous photos to the kitten’s Instagram account. If you don’t follow Pugcat (pugcat_kitten) on Instagram, you are missing out on a lot of cuteness.

Pugcat
You know you want to follow me on Instagram.

 

For a while this morning, while I was drowing my sorrows in coffee (thanks to Barista Bob), we had music playing. Barista Bob put on a Spotify channel of acoustic, kinda folksy stuff. He knows how much a I like a melancholy singer/songwriter. This was how I discovered the song Someone New (2015) by Irish musician Andrew Hozier-Byrne, who goes by Hozier.

 

Hozier
Irish singer/songwriter Hozier.

 

Now, if you listen to or read the lyrics to the song, you wouldn’t think it would cheer me up and give me hope.

 

Someone New (2015, Andrew Hozier-Byrne and Sallay-Matu Garnett)
Go take this the wrong way
You knew who I was with every step that I ran to you
Only blue or black days
Electing strange perfections is in any stranger I chooseWould things be easier if there was a right way
Honey, there is no right way

And so I fall in love just a little ol’ little bit
Every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little ol’ little bit
Every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little ol’ little bit
Every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little ol’ little bit
Every day with someone new

There’s an art to life’s distractions
To somehow escape the burning weight
The art of scraping through
Some like to imagine
The dark caress of someone else I guess any thrill will do

Would things be easier
If there was a right way, honey there is no right way

And so I fall in love just a little ol’ little bit
Every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little ol’ little bit
Every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little ol’ little bit
Every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little ol’ little bit
Every day with someone new

I wake, at the first cringe of morning
And my heart’s already sinned
How pure, how sweet the love beneath it yeah
You would pray for him

‘Cause God knows I fall
In love just a little ol’ little bit
Every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little ol’ little bit
Every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little ol’ little bit
Every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little ol’ little bit
Every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little ol’ little bit
Every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little ol’ little bit
Every day

Love with every stranger, the stranger the better
Love with every stranger, the stranger the better
Love with every stranger, the stranger the better
Love with every stranger, the stranger the better

And so I fall in love just a little ol’ little bit
Every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little ol’ little bit
Every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little ol’ little bit
Every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little ol’ little bit
Every day with someone new

Maybe I am misreading the intent behind the words, but it does seem to be a song about infidelity. Howwever, me being me, I take a different slant on those words “I fall in love just a little ol’ little bit every day with someone new”. When I play that over and over in my head, which I probably will do for a long time given my susceptibility to ear worms, I hear something else. I hear about finding people who inspire you, who become heroes, who give you hope.

Superhero
Image from The Good Network.

 

I feel love for the heroes who inspire me, and I like to think I am inspired by someone new every day, falling in love just a little ol’ little bit.

 

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Image from Love the World.

 

On a big scale, there are all of the heroes working and volunteering up in Butte County to fight the Camp Fire, to help evacuate people, to find places to shelter animals, to bring in needed donations. The daunting task of the firefighters and first responders is impossible to imagine. You are all my heroes.

 

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While I sit on my sofa feeling sad, there are scores of brave women and men putting their lives on the line. Thank you. (AP Photo/Noah Berger.)

 

Today is Veterans Day in the United States (with the federal holiday observed tomorrow since today is a Sunday). The men, women, and animals  who have sacrificed in times of war–they can never be thanked enough. Yes, I said animals. Animals have been used from time immemorial to serve in our wars. Horses. Donkeys. Dogs. Pigeons. Not to mention all of the (humans and) animals who are unintended victims in war zones.

 

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Image from The Telegraph, Animals at War, in Pictures.

 

I have my personal heroes. One is Canadian photojournalist Jo-Anne McArthur, who documents the atrocities people commit in regard to animals.

 

 

Speaking of awe-inspiring Canadians, two words come to mind: Justin Trudeau. He’s young, cool, handsome. And he just made me love him a little ol’ little bit more when the video of his speech, given without an umbrella in the rain, honoring the war dead from a ceremony last year and how it played in contrast to Voldemort, I mean Trump, opting out of a ceremony he was scheduled for due to a light drizzle. Makes me want to parlay my name into an aim for acceptance for a life in Quebec. A girl can dream.

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“It wasn’t rain, it was bullets.”

Another is artist Chris Jordan, who also uses photography and film to bring awareness to the world around the devastating effects our actions have on the planet. I highly recommend his 2012 TED talk.

 

All of the people I work with and who volunteer at the East Bay SPCA are heroes. They work daily doing the unglamorous work of feeding, cleaning, and providing medical care to the dog and cats that come through the shelter. It is physically difficult, of course, but it can also take an emotional toll. Compassion fatigue is a very real battle.

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Word cloud image from Louise Wallis.

 

I’ve only come to appreciate until later in my life that my mother, although she made choices I didn’t agree with along the way, was a hero. Widowed in her 20s, with 4 small children, she managed to provide for us and give us a pretty good life. (Up until she married her 2nd husband, but that’s another story.) We all turned out pretty good.

My dear, gentle friend Molly is my hero. She lives a true life of compassion and caring for all creatures. It’s not just talk for Molly. It’s how she truly lives her life. I’m a better person for knowing her.

 

 

Heroes can come on a lighter note: people who cheer us up, make us laugh, make us feel better. A coworker did that for me yesterday, noticing I was doing something hard for me and giving me a pat on the back. Two different times during the day. And then opened my world up to RuPaul’s Drag Race (thus the binge watching) by introducing me to Jinkx Monsoon, from season 5, who inexplicably reminds said coworker of me. I’ve never been compared to a drag queen before. I’m not glamorous enough! Jinkx is fabulous. I can only aspire to such fabulousness. But I thank my coworker, who prefers to stay out of the limelight, immensely. I love her, and I love RuPaul, and I love Jinks now, too. Falling in love a little ol’ little bit every day with someone new…

 

 

 

I can’t NOT mention Bob, my ultimate hero. He puts up with me! Seriously, he is always supportive, encouraging me to try new challenges. He loves every animal I ever bring through the door. He has shown me so much of the world that I would never otherwise see. And he loves almost everything I cook, which always makes me feel good. Plus, he makes me coffee!

 

 

 

Fall in love a little ol’ little bit with someone new, someone who makes you realize that there is good in the world.  Try it. Open your mind and your heart. Find love in all the places that it exists. You’ll be glad you did.

 

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My Colour-Bursting Heart, painting by Debra Wenlock.

Peace and hugs.

 

 

Crying for those we don’t know

I am a big fan of the wonderfully crafted NBC drama This Is Us. It makes me cry pretty much every episode. The soundtrack music is well-chosen, and the depiction of past decades makes me warm with nostalgia.

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The cast of This Is Us.

The show is a touching family saga as well as a commentary on issues such as fat shaming, racism, depression, alcoholism (well-depicted, I must say, which isn’t always true), and other important topics. As I have been hearing from more and more people, arguably the heart of the show is father Jack Pearson, played heartbreakingly by Milo Ventimiglio.

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Actor Milo Ventimiglio.

Jack Pearson is a man with demons, he is flawed, but he is a good man. And he loves his family more than anything.

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The young Pearson family.

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Grown up Pearson family.

As a sensitive person who cries at the silliest things, the recent October 16th episode of the show that was devoted to Jack’s  backstory and his volunteering to go to Vietnam in 1971 had me teary-eyed from the get-go. I still tear up when I think back on it. It made me unbearably sad, not just for the characters on the show, but for every young person sent off to war, facing the possibility of their own death, leaving their loved ones behind.

Jack in Vietnam group photo
Jack (in front of the star on the vehicle’s door) with his company in Vietnam.

A big part of what made the story so moving was Jack’s reason for volunteering in the first place. He could have sat out the war with his 4-F classification, using his heart condition to justify not going. But he’s been told all his life that his job is to protect his little brother Nicky. His bond with and love for Nicky is fierce. When Nicky is drafted and  things go badly for him from the beginning, Jack manages to bypass his medical status through a trick his doctor reluctantly passes on to him, and off he goes. It’s not a spoiler that Nicky doesn’t survive. That’s been known from the beginning of the series. It makes it that much harder to watch as Jack goes, since we know that he won’t be able to save Nicky in the end.

Jack and Nicky
Nicky and Jack.

The episode is so well-crafted, written by series creator Dan Fogelman with Vietnam veteran and author Tim O’Brien, most known for his influential and thought-provoking short story The Things They Carried.

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Wrier Tim O’Brien in Vietnam, 1969.

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Writer Tim O’Brien.

The music that stood out to me and sent me down a rabbit hole of research and music purchasing was Tom Rush’s version of Child’s Song. It is haunting in the show’s context of a young man leaving home for war. The song of growing up and moving on, written by Murray McLauchlan and released by Tom Rush on his 1970 album Tom Rush, will have different meanings depending on your age, family circumstances, etc. Tom Rush has been reported to have said that it took him 3 months after recording it to be able to sing it in public without starting to cry. It’s that real.

 

Goodbye momma goodbye to you too pa
Little sister you’ll have to wait a while to come along
Goodybye to this house and all its memories

We just got too old to say we’re wrong
Got to make one last trip to my bedroom
Guess I’ll have to leave some stuff behind

It’s funny how the same old crooked pictures
Just don’t seem the same to me tonight
There ain’t no use in shedding lonely tears mamma

There ain’t no use in shouting at me pa
I can’t live no longer with your fears mamma
I love you but that hasn’t helped at all

Each of us must do the things that matter
All of us must see what we can see
It was long ago you must remember

You were once as young and scared as me
I don’t know how hard it is yet mamma
When you realize you’re growing old

I know how hard is not to be younger
I know you’ve tried to keep me from the cold
Thanks for all you done it may sound hollow

Thank you for the good times that we’ve known
But I must find my own road now to follow
You will all be welcome in my home

Got my suitcase I must go now
I don’t mind about the things you said
I’m sorry Mom I don’t know where I’m going

Remember little sister look ahead
Tomorrow I’ll be in some other sunrise
Maybe I’ll have someone at my side

Mamma give your love back to your husband
Father you’ve have taught we well goodbye
Goodbye Mamma goodbye to you too pa
Goodbye momma goodbye to you too pa

Little sister you’ll have to wait a while to come along
Goodybye to this house and all it’s memories
We just got too old to say we’re wrong

Got to make one last trip to my bedroom
Guess I’ll have to leave some stuff behind
It’s funny how the same old crooked pictures

Just don’t seem the same to me tonight
There ain’t no use in shedding lonely tears mamma
There ain’t no use in shouting at me pa

I can’t live no longer with your fears mamma
I love you but that hasn’t helped at all
Each of us must do the things that matter

All of us must see what we can see
It was long ago you must remember
You were once as young and scared as me

I don’t know how hard it is yet mamma
When you realize you’re growing old
I know how hard is not to be younger

I know you’ve tried to keep me from the cold
Thanks for all you done it may sound hollow
Thank you for the good times that we’ve known

But I must find my own road now to follow
You will all be welcome in my home
Got my suitcase I must go now

I don’t mind about the things you said
I’m sorry Mom I don’t know where I’m going
Remember little sister look ahead

Tomorrow I’ll be in some other sunrise
Maybe I’ll have someone at my side
Mamma give your love back to your husband
Father you’ve have taught me well goodbye
Goodbye Mamma goodbye to you too pa

 

The feeling of sadness, despair, and gloom I felt might have been compounded by the realization, after watching the magnificent Ken Burns and Lynn Novick documentary series The Vietnam War that aired on PBS starting in September, 2017, of how little I knew about the conflict in Vietnam and its repercussions, about the lies behind the war, and the needless loss of so many lives. The soldiers who survived came back forever changed and were met with hostility. When I watched the series, I just wanted to curl up in bed under the covers and never come out.

Burns Vietnam

Ken Burns and Lynn Novick
Lynn Novick and Ken Burns.

The feelings that The Vietnam War, This Is Us, and Child’s Song wrought in me reminded me the disturbing and, for me, life changing, art exhibition I worked on when I was with the now-defunct Copia: The American Center for Wine, Food & the Arts in Napa, California.

Copia

As the assistant registrar in the art exhibitions department, it was my task to count and document the condition of each work of art displayed in any exhibition. In about 2003, we presented a show of artist Julie Green’s painted plates, The Last Supper, in which she painstakingly depicts the last meal requests of real death row prisoners who’ve been executed. Talk about a difficult subject…

Julie Green
Oregon-based artist Julie Green and The Last Supper.

Last I checked, the plate collection was up to over 700. That represents 700 real people who have been put to death by various state governments. People who knew they would die, who knew when they would die, and how. Who ordered their last meals, and either ate them or didn’t (I wouldn’t be able to), and then prepared for their executions. As I handled each plate, reading on the backs the locations and dates of the executions and looking at the images of the requested meals, I felt sad, sick, hopeless, ashamed. My intention is not to start a political debate about the death penalty. What I am trying to convey is that sense of empathy for another human being, of trying to understand what it’s like for someone facing their own mortality. I talk about practicing kindness, compassion, and empathy a lot, not because it comes naturally for me but because I have to work at it. Yes, the people (predominantly but not all men) whose meals are illustrated in the plates were convicted of horrible crimes. I am not defending them. I am lamenting a society in which we can justify taking the lives of others.

Across from the Bay Area Rapid Transit System (BART) station in nearby Lafayette, California are the white crosses on the hill that can be seen from Highway 24. An anti-war memorial, each cross represents an American soldier killed in Iraq or Afghanistan since 2006. The last count I found was close to 8,000 crosses on the 2.7 acre hillside. It’s hard to capture the feeling it engenders when seen. It’s vast and beautiful and disturbing and sobering all at the same time.

Lafayette Peace Memorial

I honestly don’t know how to shake off the feelings of despair and hopelessness. One of the things I strive for these days is positivity and cheerfulness. But you can’t always be positive and cheerful , can you? There are bad things in the world, and despite my desire to bury my head in the sand and avoid anything unhappy, I feel like I have an obligation to increase my awareness of what is happening in my neighborhood, my country, my world. It is only with knowledge that we can make change.

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P.S. Maybe it will cheer you up to look back on a younger Milo Ventimiglio, who was Rory’s love interest Jess Mariano on another favorite show, Gilmore Girls, in 2002. I was definitely one of the show’s fans who hoped Rory would end up with Jess. He was the misunderstood, brooding bad boy, just the right counterpart to too-good-to-be-true Rory.

GILMORE GIRLS, Milo Ventimiglia, Alexis Bledel, 'Lorelai's Graduation Day', (Season 2), 2000-2007, p

Maybe that’s what I need–no, not a bad boy, but to watch some Gilmore Girls as an antidote to my “the world sucks” blues. A little time in fictional Stars Hollow, where everyone knows each other and you can drink coffee to your heart’s content at Luke’s Diner. Escapism at its best!

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As always, peace and hugs.

Mom is not always right (lies my mother told me)

Unlike the father in the popular Twitter feed, book, and short-lived television show starring William Shatner, Sh*t My Dad Says (Justin Halpern), my mother was never gross or profane (God forbid!). But she still managed to fill my head with some real stinkers.

 

My mother was raised in a fairly strict, upper middle-class home in the 1940s and 1950s South, where manners and social standing were emphasized. Although my maternal grandmother was a Vermont farm girl, once she and my Alabama-born grandfather moved to Atlanta when my mother was a toddler, you’d never have guessed that my grandmother had ever been north of the Mason-Dixon line.

mason dixon

My mother was sweet, hospitable, polite. Things I think I learned from her. She also taught me to love reading, to be kind to animals, and to always have Kleenex within reach. That’s important. We tend to drippy noses in my family, and you don’t want to be caught without a tissue! Of course, in her youth, it would’ve been monogrammed handkerchiefs.

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My beautiful mother in 1969. Note the red shoes. This is important.

 

She taught us well. My siblings and I are all excessively polite, maybe not by Southern standards, but we tend to seem goofy anywhere else in the country. We are all neat and tidy. Although I am less neat and tidy than I used to be since I work full time, am working on my PhD, have 5 animals in the house, and live with a wonderful guy who isn’t so neat and tidy (love you, Bob).

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She also imparted words of supposed wisdom that she honestly believed to be true, but which I have found have either messed with my self-image or made me wonder if I was adopted. Yes, there are baby pictures of me, and yes, I look like my mother, but still…

  • Every woman should own at least one pair of red shoes. She believed this, most definitely, and my sister Ellen will defend that statement with her last breath. But I beg to disagree. I have survived fine with nary a pair of red shoes in my closet. I wore red Keds as a child, so maybe that counts, but I had to wear boys’ Keds at the time because of my short, wide feet, and in the 1960s there probably weren’t a lot of color choices. I wore them because they fit, not because they were red. Ellen talked me into buying a pair of red sandals a few years ago, and during a recent closet cleanout, I realized I had NEVER worn them and put them in the charity collection bag I was filling up. I work in an animal shelter and tend to spend my spare time in my old shabby clogs that act as bedroom slippers. My shoe choices are dictated by comfort and the fact that I have bad feet (bunions, corns, hammer toes; TMI, I know) so red shoes–don’t need ’em, have no use for ’em. Sorry, Mom. And Ellen.

    red shoes
    I think these shoes are darned cute. Not buying them, though.
  • Change your purse to match your shoes. Not going to happen. Ever. EVER. My mother’s closet had special shelves and cubbies for her shoes and purses. She had purses to match every pair of shoes. She kept the purses in silk bags. She paid a lot of money for the purses. When she was in  hospice, one of the things she insisted on was that I take her purses. (We didn’t wear the same size shoes, or she would have made me take those too, I am sure.) I have the purses, and they are very nice. I never use them. One of them is red; she probably hoped against hope that I would buy some red shoes to go with said purse. I don’t have the time or patience to be switching purses. And again, I work at an animal shelter. I haven’t found a purse that matches my grubby black shoes I wear to clean dog kennels and cat habitats. I have 2 purses that I really like and I might switch them out every year or so, if that. In the late Nora Ephron’s book I Feel Bad About My Neck: And Other Thoughts on Being a Woman, she wrote a whole chapter about hating her purse and not understanding women  who spend large sums of money on collecting them.

She had the same purse “failing” that I have. I felt so much better about myself after I read her book. Just find me a bag that my stuff fits in and let me go. I’ll never find my keys on the first try no matter what magic the purse offers.

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My current purse. Practical and makes a statement (Crazy Cat Lady!). Good enough for me until it wears out.

  • Women over 40 should never wear sleeveless attire. I bought this one for a while. Her point was that women shouldn’t expose the jiggly droopy bits that arms develop with age, unless you’re a gym rat or Michelle Obama.

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The kick-ass former First Lady. Intelligent, well-spoken, poised, beautiful, and the most toned arms ever to grace the White House.

Getting old isn’t for sissies, as it’s been said. Your body changes. As noted in the title of Nora Ephron’s book, necks get crepey. Arms get droopy. Laugh lines appear around the eyes and mouth. And I do consider them laugh lines. I earned those suckers with my polite smiling. Some people call that arm fat “batwings”. People (women, really, it’s only women) even get arm lifts, or brachioplasty, from cosmetic surgeons. We’ve been made self-conscious to the point of obsession about our arms. flabby-arms-gif.gifI spent many years living in a hot climate and avoiding tank tops and only wearing pretty sleeveless dresses if I had a cardigan on at the same time (just to cover my arms). I say, “No more!”  Maybe if I had extreme, super droopy batwings, I’d feel differently. But I see a lot of people out in the world who don’t seem to care how they look. I haven’t quit caring; far from it. But if it’s hot or if I’m going somewhere fancy and want to wear a sleeveless (not strapless, that’s a different thing altogether) dress, I will.

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Too cute to cover up. Okay, she has pretty arms. But still, the dress is too cute to cover up with a cardigan. (Image from ModCloth.)

  • Similarly, she said women over 40 shouldn’t go out in public bare-legged. Panty-hose at all times with skirts, dresses, even shorts. Hell no. Pantyhose are hot and itchy. They get runs in them. They sag around your ankles. They are expensive and don’t last long. 890071-001Unless we are talking about either appropriate dress for a job interview or super fun colors and patterns of hose and tights, I am out.
  • You’d be prettier if you cut your hair/pushed your hair out of your face/kept your hair short. I still hear Mom’s voice telling  me to cut my hair. Hey, Mom! It’s MY HAIR, not yours. This has caused me endless insecurity about my hair, the shape of my face, my eyeglasses once I had to start wearing them, my looks in general since I was a little girl. Mom used to take us to a place in Atlanta called David of Paris for pixie cuts back in the 60s. I think Monsieur David only knew how to do one hair cut. Short. Yes, it was cute when I was 5.

    pixie
    The David of Paris look.

    Version 2
    Still young enough for the sleeveless look.

    I’ve had short hair much of my life, and at times it has been a good look, mostly when I was thinner and going blond.

    Seattle and Victoria_0089
    A thin-with-blond-short-hair stage. But I’m wearing a sleeveless dress and no hosiery. Not sure if Mom would approve.

    Then I’d let my hair grow out because I wanted to, and Mom would start on the subtle and not-so-subtle hints for me to cut my hair, or at least pull it off my face. But preferably cut it. I’m trying to tune out that Mom voice in my head when it comes to my hair. I am mostly succeeding these days, mostly, kinda sorta…Should I cut it?

    me now
    Bangs, shoulder length hair, glasses. It’s a look I am happy with. And if I have Pugcat with me, no one’s looking at my hair anyway!
  • If you can’t sleep, close your eyes and lie still. You’ll at least be rested in the morning. FALSE. I still try this. It does not work. Mom would tell me this most often when I couldn’t sleep the night before the first day of school every year. I would lie in bed, eyes squeezed shut, and imagine all the awful things that might happen in the upcoming school year, dread filling me, my stomach hurting. I still have sleepless nights, and I lie there, looking at the clock once in a while, thinking I’ll rest, when I’m actually a churning ball of anxiety over whether I’ll ever get to sleep. During one really bad spell of insomnia, I would throw in the towel and get up and bake in the middle of the night. I went on a quest to make the perfect morning bun–those flaky twists of buttery croissant dough, coated with cinnamon sugar and baked in muffin tins. This took quite a few batches to perfect (which I did, thanks to Nancy Silverton’s Pastries from the La Brea Bakery.

    Each morning I would take the resulting pastries to work. I was exhausted, but popular. Now if I get up, it’s either to read or to write. The insomnia is generally now a case of too much caffeine in my system, but it’s just as exhausting as the dread-filled kind.

  • If you feel a sore throat coming on, gargle with warm saltwater. Maybe there is some truth to this, but I hated it. I suffered from a lot of sore throats growing up, and I still wish some doctor had ordered a tonsillectomy for me. But they quit doing them routinely to kids around the time I was born. My Vermont farmgirl grandmother had trained as a nurse and worked in a hospital in New York, where she met my doctor grandfather. The warm saltwater gargle was her thing. Mom would make me take a big glass of the stuff into the bathroom to gargle with anytime I mentioned a tickle in my throat. I’d still get a sore throat, and my mouth would taste of salt. Maybe it is what led to my weird love of salt now. I’ll put flakes of it on my tongue to suck on, and I adore Dutch salty licorice. Maybe I’ll try sucking on salty licorice next time I feel a sore throat coming on.licorice

 

 

I’m sure there are gems of my own I would impart to the daughter I never had. She’d probably roll her eyes, and do just the opposite. What are my truths?

  • Dark chocolate makes everything better. Maybe not literally. You’ll still be ill or broke or alone. But the chocolate will make it just a little bit better somehow. I swear.

    dark
    Medicinal chocolate. (Image from Scientific American.)

    If you don’t believe me, do you trust Scientific American? Writer Katherine Harmon Courage descibed the health benefits of chocolate in scienctific terms in the article “Why is dark chocolate good for you? Thank your microbes.”

  • Your feet are too important for cheap or uncomfortable shoes. That was something my ever-wise maternal grandmother said, and I totally ignored her about this topic until I started to have trouble with my feet. Somehow my grandmother managed to wear good shoes that still looked stylish, but I haven’t managed that. I’ll stick with my flat, sensible, square-toed shoes. Have I mentioned that I work at an animal shelter?

    womens-skechers-go-mini-flex-walk-slip-on-walking-shoe-black-walking-shoes
    Skechers, my shoe of choice these days.
  • Read every day. Pretty simple. I will brook no argument on this one.

    morpheus-1.jpg
    You wouldn’t argue with this guy, would you?
  • Everyone should have a creative outlet. Whether it is writing, drawing, sewing, music, cooking, making models of castles out of matchsticks, whatever floats your boat. Do something that makes you happy and let’s your mind drift away from your cares and worries.

    Bob Ross.jpg
    Bob Ross, The Joy of Painting, as seen on PBS.
  • I’ll finish with a quote from the writer C. S. Lewis (1898-1963), sent to me on my birthday by sister Ellen.  “You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream.” Lewis was a brilliant man. Don’t doubt that.

    Lewis.jpg
    C. S. Lewis

     

I intend to follow his advice to the end of my days.

Dream. Dream small, dream big, but dream. Don’t stop.

The Basket Case (with love to Tricki-Woo)

I had caffeine yesterday. Which meant I was awake a lot during the night when I should have been sleeping. Which meant my brain was on overdrive. Which meant I had lots of random thoughts that became BIG THOUGHTS. Which meant I reflected way too much on life and death and unfulfilled dreams.

 

Thus my discourse on the bucket list. I hate the name “bucket list”. Hey, let’s talk about me kicking the bucket! “Things to to before I die” doesn’t sound any better. “Life list” is better but maybe too…I don’t know…not meaningful somehow even though it sounds like it should be.

bucket demon
Image from Grammer Stammer.

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Image from How We Became Us.

While looking for images of buckets lists that weren’t stupid and/or gruesome, I saw the motivational phrase “Collect experiences, not things”. Okay. I think most things on my list are experiences. Or I can rephrase them to become experiences. As you will see in a bit (really), one of my list entries includes a basket, so I decided that the idea of collecting and the notion of a basket work well together, so I shall call my list a basket, and as I collect experiences they go in my basket. It’s my basket case, so to speak. Just to be clear, I’m not calling myself a basket case, I’m saying I HAVE a basket case. A metaphorical receptacle, container, collection space for my memories of once-in-a lifetime dreams come true.

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Image via MamaM!a via Pinterest

I collected many things for my basket this last summer on our trip to England:

-A visit to the Victoria & Albert Museum in London. Every bit as amazing as I expected, and so much to see that we had to pick and choose and miss some things. And of course we made it to the cafe. The coffee was pretty good!

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One of my favorite displays at the V & A.

VA coffee

 

-Finding and shopping at London’s oldest bookstore, Hatchards, booksellers since 1797. Wow. Yes, books were purchased. But the point was the experience of going to the bookstore and soaking in the atmosphere of literary history. And you’ve gotta love a bookstore with a whole wall of P.G. Wodehouse books. Can’t have too much Jeeves and Wooster, ever!

 

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Illustration by micklewhite, on Redbubble.

 

-Conveniently for my basket case, Hatchards and the venerable purveyor of gourmet provisions Fortnum & Mason are neighbors. Two list entries with one stone…

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I have been wanting to go to Fortnum & Mason and put together a hamper of their delicacies ever since I first read James Herriot’s All Creatures Great and Small (first published in the United States in 1972). The television adaptation first aired in 1978.

 

all creatures

 

As I remember it, which could be wrong (but since it’s how I remember it I’m going with it), James and his boss/mentor Siegfried compete with each other, vying to ingratiate themselves with the wealthy Mrs. Pumphrey and her spoiled, fat, flatulent Pekingese named Tricki-Woo.

 

When Mrs. Pumphrey is especially pleased, a food basket (see, basket, I told you it baskets would be relevant) from Fortnum & Mason arrives at Skeldale House for the vets. I always imagined such mouth-watering treats in that basket, or hamper as they refer to it. I longed to see the wonderland of Fortnum & Mason.

FM photo store front

In other English novels along the way, I’ve read other references to the hampers from F & M. The store was more than I hoped for–4 floors of foods, drinks, housewares, and best of all, the hamper section.

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The hampers, oh my. 

 

You can get pre-packed hampers of various assortments or choose the bespoke option (British for “made to order”). Sadly, travel companion Bob wasn’t feeling great when we were at the shop, so we left hamperless. But I was there! And I eventually ordered a hamper to be delivered to the U.S. when we got home. Is this collecting a thing, not an experience? Far from it. Yes, there are delectables to eat and a hamper to keep, but it’s about the experience of going to the store, of ordering the hamper, waiting for it to arrive, unwrapping it…

 

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-If heaven exists, I am sure it smells like chocolate. On our canal boat adventure, we found a whole Welsh town, Chirk, that smells like chocolate. I didn’t even know that was on my basket list until we went there. At first we couldn’t identify the warm, sweet, comforting scent in the air. Then we saw the sign–headquarters of Cadbury Chocolate.  I now want every town on the planet to smell like chocolate! (And I also think “The Town that Smelled Like Chocolate” would be a great title for a Hallmark Channel Christmas movie.)

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-Visit a castle. Check. Also in the chocolatey town of Chirk. Chirk Castle.

 

Chirk Castle

 

-How to top all of this? Spend a few days in Oxford. Several items experiences for the basket. Just being in Oxford is hard to describe. It’s difficult as an American to imagine how old things are there. Wandering around the city and the various colleges of Oxford University, you just feel smarter. My first impressions of Oxford of course have literary roots–Evelyn Waugh’s Brideshead Revisited (1945). The 11-part television series (1981) is still one of my favorites.

 

 

And there are others, such as the Inspector Morse books (and television show) and the Endeavor television show (prequel to Inspector Morse), both set in and filmed in Oxford. Another source of my Oxford fascination–Jerome K. Jerome’s quite funny Three Men in a Boat (1889),  made into a hilarious film by the BBC in 1975, with Tim Curry, Michael Palin, and Stephen Moore as the eponymous three men on a rowing holiday on the Thames.

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There are other experiences, of course, that have been added to the basket. For example, my lifelong dream to see Paris, finally achieved in 2014. Everything I imagined and more. Thank you (merci beaucoup), Bob.

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There are still experiences to add to the basket. Going up in a hot air balloon has been on the list for years. And that brings up another basket–the one attached to the balloon. I hope it’s well attached, just saying.

 

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Up, up, and away…

In my younger days, seeing U2 in concert was on the list, but I’ve outgrown that one. I can’t deal with arena concerts anymore. I’ve become old and grumpy about crowds and noise. I did finally get to see Peter Gabriel perform, and check that off my list, at the much easier to manage Greek Theater in Berkeley in 2011. And he was great. I sang along with every song, and Bob was a good sport about it.

 

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Peter Gabriel at the Greek Theater, Berkeley, 2011. (Photo by C Flanagan/WireImage from The Vulture.)

 

At the top of the list–finish my PhD before I turn 60. I don’t want to be the oldest person in the world still in graduate school! I dream of retiring to a house in the country, adopting a rescue goat, designing and building a she-shed, finally learning to speak French well. And getting around to reading War and Peace, and Moby Dick. Yes, both. I can handle big fat books–reading one now.

 

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A simple and attainable she-shed.

 

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My current fat book.

 

We all have dreams. Some seem outrageous (my vegan food truck dream). Some are lofty (end animal homelessness). Some are silly (rewatch the television series Gilmore Girls from start to finish).

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That’s the great thing about your bucket, your hamper, your basket, your life list, whatever you want to call it. The possibilities are endless–the basket can hold anything you dream. It’s up to you to find a way to make the dream come true.

Dream small, dream big. But do dream.

See the Changes (Stills was always my favorite)

One of the pleasures of getting older is looking back on meaningful things in the progression of your life, or making sense of things that maybe didn’t at the time, or even reflecting on what weren’t good times and seeing how they contributed to who you are. I’m realizing how important the music of various times has been as the soundtrack to my story. I more and more listen to the music of my young adulthood and hear a beauty in it that I didn’t necessarily get at the time. I just knew I liked it, but maybe not so much what it meant.

I was reading The Secret Diary of Hendrik Groen (originally published in the Netherlands in 2014), and felt compelled to take a photo of this quote. It’s so true!

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Hendrik

 

When we were on our recent vacation in England, I happened to hear over a cafe sound system songs by Leonard Cohen that took me back to the time when I didn’t even think I liked Leonard Cohen.

 

Cohen

 

Now I appreciate him for the incredible poet that he was, and wish I’d paid more attention. The song playing was The Sisters of Mercy (1967), and I fell in love with it there in the cafe.

 

 

I don’t remember if it was the same cafe or later somewhere else on the trip, but my attention was caught by the Crosby, Stills & Nash song See the Changes (written by Stephen Stills) from the 1977 album CSN.

 

CSN

 

See the Changes (Stephen Stills)

She has seen me changing
It ain’t easy rearranging
And it gets harder as you get older
Farther away as you get closer

And I don’t know the answer
Does it even matter?
I’m wonderin’ how

Ten years singing right out loud
I never looked was anybody listening
Then I fell out of a cloud
I hit the ground and noticed something missing

Now I have someone
She has seen me changing
And it gets harder as you get older
And farther away as you get closer

And I don’t know the answer
Does it even matter?
I’m wonderin’ how

Seems like something out of a dream
I had years ago yes, I remember screaming
Nobody laughing all the good times
Getting harder to come by without weeping

Now I have someone
She has seen me changing
And it gets harder as you get older
And farther away

 

 

Most of my favorite Crosby, Stills & Nash songs were written by Stephen Stills, and his voice was always the one that stood out to me. I went to see him in concert in Sacramento back in about 1990ish, and he was older and heavier (as I am now), but he could still play that guitar and his voice was as strong as ever.

 

 

As we steered our canal boat through the English countryside into Wales, See the Changes became the soundtrack in my head, the song I sang aloud when no one was listening. The lines “…and it gets harder as you get older, and farther away as you get closer…” seemed particularly relevant as I took ibuprofen every night after the day’s hard work or raising and lowering locks and bridges on the canalway.

 

 

I also had a lot of time to reflect on the meaning of those lines and whether or not I’d say that it’s true that it gets harder as I get older or if anything seems farther away. I suppose it depends on what the “it” is. Some things get harder as I get older, like getting up if I sit on the floor, or getting by on little sleep, or being on my feet all day. Those are the physical things.

 

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The mental and emotional things, for me, have gotten easier in a lot of ways. My social skills are much better, I’m more tolerant and open-minded, I deliberately aim for kindness and compassion in my approach to life and the other inhabitants of the planet. I love learning, and since I quit drinking 5 years ago, my brain engages and I want to learn more, always.

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Farther away? Well, the closer I get to the PhD finish line, the farther away that seems! People I started the program with, in my cohort as they say, have in some cases finished (congratulations, Barbara!) or are close to finishing (you go, Jennifer!). I’m still about a year away at best. But I remind myself over and over that it’s not a race or a competition, that I’ll finish in my own time and will be proud of what I accomplished. Retirement seems farther away than ever! I dream about the retirement house we will move to some day, where it will be and how clean and simple and tranquil it will be. The projects I’ll get done, all the books I’ll read. It’ll be awesome, if I ever get there.

 

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Gee, I wonder what this house costs?

 

In addition to music and language, visual imagery, of course, is a huge part of our memories, nostalgia, reminiscing. I love to look through old photographs, but unfortunately, due a house fire in 1987, a lot of family photos were destroyed.

 

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A rare old family photo: me in 1965 at preschool. I’m the 4th seated in front from the left, worried looking blonde in white.

 

When I was in high school in the late 1970s, I was obsessed with Seventeen magazine. Summer breaks seemed so long and luxurious (maybe because I wasn’t motivated to get a summer job like other teens; shy and lacking in confidence, the idea of applying for jobs was beyond me), and I couldn’t wait for the newest edition of the magazine, with the upcoming fall trends and teen advice. I was shy, yes, and also a loner, but I wanted what was in those magazines! I commandeered my mother’s old sewing machine, dragging it into my room, and followed all of the instructions on how to remake your wardrobe (turning flared pant legs into straight ones was a big one). In particular, the August 1978 issue was one that I read and reread, tried to copy the styles from, and wanted so badly to be the cover model, Lari Jane Taylor. I actually have remembered her name all of these years. I still love the look. I even still have a copy of the magazine, carefully preserved in an archival sleeve. It was my bible going into my senior year of high school, a year fraught with uncertainty and insecurity. In my 17-year old brain, I thought the right color eyeshadow would be the answer to my problems.

 

Lari Jane Taylor

 

 

Lari Jane Taylor was also the cover model of the January 1979 issue, looking into the spring. That issue didn’t have the same impact on me, clearly, since I’d forgotten about it until I searched on her name. I prefer the August 1978 look anyway.

 

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Ah, the late 1970s. A strange time, a transitional time between the “hippie” era of the late 60s and early 70s and the me-first greed of the 1980s. I often felt a little lost, not identifying with my peers. I became vegetarian, made my own clothes, listened to the “wrong” music (I abhored disco music, although I think it’s fun now). I wasn’t a punk, either. I was a geek in a land of jocks and cheerleaders on one side, and feaks and punks on the other. If you’ve never watched the one season of Freaks and Geeks (set in 1980), I highly recommend it, by the way.

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I was flipping throught the 1978 magazine, and all kinds of advertisements and images struck me as hugely amusing now, 40 years later.

 

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Whoa, 11 8-track tapes for $1! Even that $1 turned out to be a bad investment in a short-lived music format.

But look again at the song lyrics to See the Changes. The lines just before “and it gets harder as you get older, farther away as you get closer”:

Now I have someone

She has seen me changing…

Having someone with you on your journey who sees the work you are doing, who appreciates how hard you are working and can help you get perspective when whatever “it” is seems harder or farther away–that’s now my takeaway from this song. Whether it’s a sibling, a friend, a significant other, a companion animal (I’m not joking)–having someone to talk to, to bounce ideas off of, to give you comfort when you feel down–can make a world of difference. Hey, that English canal boat was a 2-person job and it was hard (but fun) work. Kind of like life.

Here’s to you, Captain Bob!

 

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Peace and hugs.